


Go ahead and break my heart again

by Rainy_Summer17



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Crying, Cute Ending, Developing Relationship, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, God bless him, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hyunwoo is such a good friend, I Made Myself Cry, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Mental Breakdown, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Past Showki, Running Away, Sad, Sad Yoo Kihyun, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29169990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainy_Summer17/pseuds/Rainy_Summer17
Summary: Hoseok is going to mary the girl of his life while Kihyun stands there.Heartbroken.[ANGST WITH HAPPY ENDING]
Relationships: Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

Kihyun's heart broke as he was forced to grab onto the kitchen counter. He felt every little particle of his heart spill over the floor like sharp glass. Everything was cracking, everything was blurry, he could no longer breathe or move. He dropped to the ground, at the end of his strength. Everything was going relatively well before this call. Sure, his breakup with Hyunwoo had terrified him, but he got over it, he had no choice after all. All of this before he realized he was in love again. It might sound so selfish and hypocritical, but Kihyun had never seen Soojin as an enemy or an adversary. Granted, the dancer had asked him to be his girlfriend, but he was still with Hyunwoo during this event and had never really looked back on it. Why worry when he had been Hoseok's life partner for so many years? No one could take his place. And if the older one would rather believe in his pseudo-relationship with Soojin, great good for him. He would eventually realize that this was all triviality compared to his relationship with Kihyun. They had known each other for years, had supported each other as best they could during several crucial events in their lives; no one would understand Lee Hoseok better than Kihyun. Soojin proved it day after day. Granted, she understood him better than many people and sometimes his own bandmates, but it wasn't complicated. They also knew little about his true feelings even though they had known him for so long. Kihyun had known him the longest, the first person to back him up, to help him and listen to him. Whether it being in the back of an old dance practice room, in their first dorm where Hoseok was doing the most panic attacks, or anywhere else, never once had Kihyun gave up. He had never given up despite all the difficulties, having fallen in love with his roommate (first in a friendly way and then in addition). He knew him inside out, knew all his strange schedules by heart, had even got used to it... Soojin still couldn't do it! She didn't even live with him, had only tried a few meager weeks which had gone rather badly; she would never put up with everyday life with him! It was a fact, she couldn't do it. So why take Hoseok away from him?! 

A sob escaped his tight throat, followed by a torrent of tears.

"She said yes!"

The tears fell. He knew it would happen, so he couldn't understand why his heart was breaking so much. He had first cracked when his best friend came into the living room asking him to help him pick out an engagement ring. He had been taken aback but hadn't protested because he was a good friend. He wasn't going to give it to her, was he? He wasn't stupid enough to do this, it's not like he wanted to pass his life with her for real...Right?

And, selfishly, he imagined this ring on his own finger the day Hoseok bought it. 

Kihyun's heart broke a second time that day when Hoseok called his in an unusually cheerful voice to announce that she had accepted. That he had taken the plane, alone, to ask her to marry him while she was in America for her schedules.

"This is so great, buddy! I'm so happy for you!"

He wasn't. He was devastated, angry, full of bitterness. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks as he tried to calm his breathing and the rhythm of his irregular heart. Kihyun kept his hands wrapped over the latter as if he would bounce off the floor if he let it fall. The kitchen seemed too big. This kitchen in which he had lived so much, this dorm he would never have wanted to leave before, everything was a dagger in his fragile organ. He couldn't reveal himself. Would not. He would have to face Hoseok at one point or another despite his recitals. The taller one was his best friend and roommate, he couldn't avoid it. He thought then that now would be his turn to be the needy, disturbing one in the relationship. Unless nothing changes, except for the fact that he would have to watch his friend prepare for his wedding, ask him so many questions, then that ring on his finger. It would finish him off, bury him in his grave. The main vocalist wanted to disappear from the floor of this kitchen, to be forgotten in everyone's memory.

"Hoseok is talented, smart, and cute, but especially, he'll never leave me or hurt me intentionally"

Kihyun had repeated this to himself so many times when he realized the nature of his feelings for his friend. He wanted to accept them and had ended up considering them and then keeping them very carefully, as a reminder of why he put up with Lee Hoseok despite his feelings.  
The arguments had just been proven wrong and it was killing him, he felt the air he missed again. It was a realization, sudden and vivid, that he had ignored for too long. He had lost Hoseok.

"You're never gonna leave me, right?"

Hoseok's words came to his mind. He was tempted to laugh. It was so far away, shortly before he broke up with Hyunwoo. Everything was a blur, he wouldn't say, but could certify that the tables had turned. It was no longer Kihyun leaving, but Hoseok, and in the most painful way because he had taken his heart before leaving. The pain was tearing in his chest, maybe he was having a heart attack he thought irrationally, but he didn't care; dying seemed better...

No, not before Hoseok's wedding.

His marriage to Soojin.

Another sob escaped him, the pain not diminishing. He had never hated his heart so much as he does today. His mother had been right; he was good for nothing and too much lacking in affection. He was worth nothing but still managed to blind himself to his unfailing love for Hoseok by convincing himself that, somehow, this is what Hoseok deserved. No, he deserved much better than Kihyun. Although he was terrified of his hatred for Soojin right now, he couldn't lie that she was a bad girl. She was a good girl to Hoseok, a good wife, where Kihyun failed. He was made for no one, wanted to disappear but he couldn't risk his roommate coming back and seeing him like that. He had to go, and teleportation was not an option. Walking, even less, and where to go? He would collapse. The young man's whole world was crumbling, cracking like a mirror and shattering; he felt incomplete. A void that only Hoseok could fill, although it took too long to realize it.

Too late, now someone is filling the Hoseok's own void, and it was not him. Would never be.

He wanted to cry again, but no longer had the strength, his head was spinning. He grabbed his phone in an effort that surprised him greatly and called the only possible person.

Hyunwoo.


	2. I feel so far away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wedding day.

Kihyun watched himself in the mirror. What did he look like? He looked silly in that black suit. He could feel his breathing quickening more and more, his heart pounding in his chest madly since that very morning. He also felt his hands become sweaty again, his whole body shaking in(though nonexistent) fear.

_No, no panic attack here!_

Closing his eyes, the smaller one tried to breathe more calmly.

**He felt so far away.**

As if he was in between two worlds, his mind constantly in one and his body bringing him back to the hard reality. As if he was floating away somewhere most of the time, barely able to hear his surroundings. To see what was happening, blacking out from the noise and images of the population. It would have been better this way until his broken heart was healed; if only he didn't have to stand there today. Kihyun hated that he had to stand there and plaster the fakest smile on his dry lips, as he stared at his best friend, his soulmate, becoming distant. Starting a new period of his life that Kihyun should be happy about, just like all their friends had been. Instead, he was becoming more and more restless, wishing he could close his eyes without seeing Hoseok each time. He just wanted the pain to ease, slowly fade like it always did. Now, this pain seemed to become stronger and stronger each day passing by. Kihyun felt so overwhelmed, could barely bear it.

He was lost in the maze, in the darkness of his mind now. Alone. He had lost his partner, the one who made his days brighter and kept him from falling. Yet, each day, he kept acting like it didn't matter. Maybe if he did, then he wouldn't care. Kihyun just wanted to scream, to beg Hoseok on his knees.

_Please don't go. Please._

But he couldn't sacrifice his friend's happiness for his own. Kihyun knew that all the galaxies in Hoseok's eyes would never be for him to stare again. That it wasn't his place to play in Hoseok's soft hair at night and hug his worries away.

He was like everyone else now.

Yet, Hoseok never did anything wrong. Kihyun just broke his own heart trying to believe he was someone special. Believing kept him alive all those years and was now destroying him to the core powerfully. All that in front of everyone's oblivious eyes.

Everyone except one person.

**-Ki, are you okay?**

Hyunwoo's soft voice brought Kihyun back on earth. He had been thinking for the past minutes, still in front of the mirror. The main vocalist felt so, so guilty from inflicting such troubles to their leader. He had already so much to care about, including his own troubles, and had taken care of Kihyun for so long now.

While the two of them had been broken up for at least one year now, they remained friends ever since the day they ended it. They were just not suited to be together and way better off as friends; plus they both loved someone else. There was never any grudge between them and Shownu had always been Kihyun's go-to person. The only person who knew how to handle him and about all his deepest feelings-Those he never told Hoseok because most of them included him.

**-Yeah, I guess…**

Soon, two arms were wrapped around him. Even if Wonho's arms were the ones he felt the most comfortable in, Hyunwoo's had always been more than suitable and comforting. That short contact helped him calm down a bit; he couldn't hyperventilate and create a scene at his best friend's wedding.

**-Do you need anyt-**

**-No** , was quick to cut Kihyun. He was alright, they needed to go. He'd just have to pass those horrible hours then could finally go back home and cry all the tears in his body-if he had any left.

That's what led Kihyun to stand there, behind his best friend. What an honor to be Hoseok's man of honor!

It would have been if he wasn't such a stupid man. If only he knew how to control his heart and those stupid feeling of him. Yet, he was putting on the brightest smile he had and pretended like he was happy to be there. As his head wasn't horribly hurting.

As he watched the bride arrive, his breath got stuck in his throat. Soojin looked absolutely stunning in that white dress, walking down the aisle with a guy that was surely his father. She had the brightest smile on her face, just like Hoseok. His eyes were shining when he was looking at her, just like always.

To Kihyun, it was like a knife in his heart. He wished he could have hated her, but he couldn't. Because she looked gorgeous, was so nice and kind that he simply couldn't. Because she was just the lucky one; it wasn't her fault that Kihyun just couldn't get himself a cute little girl too and love somebody else.

As the ceremony occurred, the younger man could only feel his anger transferring to Hoseok instead. The anger he knew was selfish and completely stupid, yet he couldn't help this. It was like his mind needed someone to blame.

_Fuck you for leaving! Fuck you for all the times you made me cry after making me feel like I was so special. Fuck you for saying things you never meant and promising to never leave me! Fuck you for being so pretty, so fucking lovely that I can't help myself. Fuck you for making me so miserable!_

_ Fuck you for making me feel like I was worth it than proving to me I wasn't, Hoseok. _

And as Kihyun's body was tensing, Hyunwoo who noticed it put his hands on the latter's hips to steady him. He seemed to worry, and that was once again Kihyun's fault.

**"Is Kihyun-Hyung okay?"**

The main vocalist could hear Jooheon's voice, a faint whisper that was directed to Shownu. The whole group seemed alarmed now and Kihyun hated himself for it.

**"Yeah, he's a bit sick. Caught a cold, you know. But he'll be okay!"**

The smaller man appreciated Shownu covering up for him like that, even though he knew he wouldn't be alright. It was his job to hide it better from now on.

**-Anyone wants to do a speech? Maybe the young man here, I presume?**

Oh no, not that part. First, Kihyun hated doing public speeches. He almost wanted to go hide or say no, but he had a speech and that'd be cheap to not do it. Especially when Hoseok was looking at him with such a bright smile that Kihyun was almost blinded by it.

So weakly, he nodded and stepped ahead with the piece of paper he kept in his pocket. Writing the speech had been so difficult because there would never be enough words with enough meaning to describe what he truly felt for Hoseok. He couldn't say how he deeply felt about his best friend, about the wedding; had to lie. It felt so wrong to lie at his best friend's wedding, but it was needed. So the night wouldn't end in a horrible disaster.

**-Hoseok, my best friend. My platonic soulmate, the one I always turned to and always will. We met on the set of no mercy, and back then I thought you looked incredibly scary, but also kind of cute. Turns out you became the sexy beast you are today.**

At that, Hoseok laughed softly at the joke, happily. Kihyun swallowed the lump in his throat before continuing, still putting on the most real smile he could muster.

**-You truly can't imagine how I feel knowing you finally found the person that makes you happy. You're an incredible guy, one with so much love to give and I always prayed for you to find the right one because you deserve it. I'm so glad to be a part of your life and see you evolve into the amazing human that you are every day. I'm honored to be here today to...To celebrate your happiness with the woman of your li-**

The younger man started stumbling, unable to hold himself steady anymore. He also started stuttering his last sentences; he couldn't do it, couldn't keep lying like that. Meanwhile, everyone in the room looked at him worryingly, ready to run to him if help was needed. But no one could ever help him.

He couldn't breathe anymore, felt so sick. He needed to go away.

 **-I'm sorry** , was the last thing Kihyun said before running out of the room with his hand on his mouth. Running to the bathroom, Kihyun let himself fall on the ground and started throwing up in the nearest toilet. He felt so fucking sick, so fucking bad. He probably just ruined his best friend's wedding because he was a stupid and worthless shit.

God, his head hurt so bad. Why can't it stop?

_Stop! Just stop!_

**_MAKE IT STOP!_ **

**-Ki'?**

Hoseok's voice. The older was just standing there, next to him, with that stupid worried look on his face that was so stupidly sweet that Kihyun stupidly fell in love with it. With all of Hoseok.

**-Go away, Seokie...I'm alright, don't miss your wedding because of me.**

Kihyun didn't know how he could still muster the courage to give his hyung a smile when he was so broken inside. That smile, though, did not fool Wonho. Not after so many years of knowing his bandmate.

**-You're more important than my wedding, Kihyun.**

At those words, the latter almost died of a heart attack. What? That didn't make any sense. Kihyun was just sick.

Okay, no, he wasn't. But Hoseok didn't know this. That was ridiculous, how could he be more important than the most important in his life? The one he waited for so long?

**-Besides, forget it. It's...It's canceled, I told them I couldn't do it. Just get up, I'm bringing you home.**

Kihyun was so, so lost. Why would he cancel it?

Yet, he found himself nodding embarrassingly fast. It had been so long he passed some alone time with his hyung and he was just feeling so bad. Even if Hoseok was also the cause of his hurt, he was also the one that could make him feel better.

Oh, Kihyun hated how weak he was, because feeling Hoseok's hands on his hips getting him up made butterflies fly in his stomach, but also his heart sting.

Whatever would happen, Hoseok would never love him.

Kihyun wanted to throw up again, couldn't stand being so close to Hoseok yet being so far. He was sure his friend just canceled because he was way too nice for his own good, and couldn't stand to see Kihyun hurt somehow. He'd redo it another time for sure and the main vocalist would have to do all his circus again. He just did the worst thing he could ever do: Ruin his best friend's magical day. That thought made him want to cry, and he felt his head hurt even more.

He blacked out in Hoseok's arms.


	3. The best type of stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end :)  
> Very fluffy.
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated if you liked it!

When Kihyun woke up again, he had no idea how much time had passed. He was laying on a sofa that he knew wasn't his. He could also smell the faint odor of ramen around him.

His back hurt and his throat still felt tight. He had difficulty swallow and wondered where he was now; his head was still spinning. Then, slowly, the young man opened his eyes and he instantly recognized just where he was.

It was Hoseok's Appartement.

He was also dressed in oversized joggings and a t-shirt that he knew belonged to the older man. Kihyun could still smell his odor on the clothes, something that always brought him comfort and made him feel safe.

-Hi, you're awake! I made ramen for us.

Kihyun couldn't help but to smile, his pain was temporarily forgotten as he watched the man walk to the living room with two plates of ramens in his hands. Hoseok was dressed in joggings too, and Kihyun couldn't help but to think about so, so many questions.

Yet, he didn't say anything and ate when Hoseok gave him the plate. That's what led him to be nuzzled against his friend, a long-forgotten Netflix movie playing in the background. It was calm, peaceful, but the atmosphere had grown a bit heavy. They both had so many questions that were left unanswered all those hours, and none of them dared to ask him. That was until Hoseok decided to make the first step.

-May I ask you why you were feeling bad?

And Kihyun thought he might cry because damn, Hoseok was here playing with his hair again. He wanted to cry out in frustration, yell that it only hurt him more. Yet, he did nothing of that. He couldn't let his feelings out, no matter how much they were eating him from the inside. Lying was, each time, the best solution he could come up with.

-I was just feeling sick, hyung. Nothing bad.

He smiled, again. He couldn't tell the truth, couldn't risk it all. Weirdly, Hoseok seemed satisfied with this answer as he started watching the movie again. It made Kihyun sigh in relief and just hug his friend tighter. It was torture, the way he could cuddle the oldest boy and feel him close while never really being his. Knowing that, no matter how hard he tried, nothing could make Hoseok fall in love with him. 

Unbeknownst to him, there was indeed nothing he could do to make Hoseok fall in love with him. The older man was already so deep in.

-They're so stupid, I can't believe they had the perfect time and place yet didn't confess to each other. 

Kihyun heard that and laughed because even if he wasn't even listening to the movie, he knew his hyung was right. The couples in drama had always been so fucking stupid. 

Well, maybe he wasn't much better but at least he would confess if it was so obvious that Hoseok liked him as well. Which wasn't the case, so he kept his mouth shut for the well-being of their friendship. He wasn't that stupid.

-Yeah, right? Imagine having the love of your life in front of you and passing the occasion just because you're scared when it's obvious there's something between you two!

Those words that Kihyun said shook something in Hoseok. It was the perfect occasion, he couldn't pass this one. He had always felt that spark with Kihyun, that little something no one else had. From the way, he laughed to the way he sang, smiled, and talked, everything seemed perfect to Hoseok. There was not one day he passed without thinking about his friend, and replaying every single moment of them together in his head. They always had a bond that no one else had one that couldn't be broken and Wonho knew by the look in Kihyun's eyes that he wasn't hallucinating anything at all. Knew that he needed to do something now or he'd regret it all his life.

-I love you.

Simple. No need for big words and a confession like Romeo and Juliet. It was simple yet honest; he loved Kihyun. Had always done. Sadly, they were in Korea, where being gay or bi is not a very well seen thing and where being married, having a family, was very important. Don't get him wrong, he loved Soojin. But no one could ever have any effect as Kihyun had on him. How could he be happy with such a simple girl where there was such a hurricane in his life? 

Hoseok knew he would have been perfectly happy with Soojin if he didn't know Kihyun. She was a sweet girl, pretty, kind, and caring. He felt so bad for hurting her like that. Yet, he knew he couldn't do it with her. She was a life partner and Kihyun was an eternity partner. He couldn't let it slide, couldn't let slide the person he loved the most in the whole world when he knew that Kihyun loved him just as much.

-Me too?

Kihyun looked lost, Hoseok saw it. And oh, he was. Why feel the need to tell him he loved him at this moment? He knew Hoseok loved him as a friend. Maybe he just wanted to express it now?

-No I mean, in an "I want to kiss you kind of way". In an "I'll gladly pass you over ramen" kind of way. 

Kihyun's first instinct was to laugh because, damn, here he was being compared to ramen. Then, it slowly sank in.

HOSEOK LOVED HIM??

The younger man almost died on the spot. What? That didn't make any sense. Why would he want to kiss him? What? Why? Was he joking?

The world had stopped turning, the time also stopping. His heart was on the verge of exploding; with all the emotions he went through lately, especially today, he really hoped it wasn't a damn joke.

-Hello, earth to Kihyun? Do I need to call 911? Wait, no, Shownu-Hyung, maybe?

That sentence alone made Kihyun explode in laughter, the tension therefore breaking.

-Because Hyunwoo-Hyung is stronger than 911? Do you think he can help me better than them?

-He definitely is stronger. Pretty sure he can do everything; that's a dad power. 

Kihyun smiled because maybe Hoseok was right.

-Does that mean it's a yes? Hoseok continued after, making his dongsaeng very confused.

-To what?

-Being my boyfriend.

Kihyun's heart stopped an umpteenth time that day, not expecting to hear such a thing. God, Hoseok wanted to kill him.

-I mean-If you want to, that is. You just-You talked about passing the occasion of telling the love of your life that he is the love of your life and how it was stupid and it just-Kinda made sense to me? And I felt like I needed to say it now?

-I...I'm the love of your life?

-Yeah. She's nice but...I can't be happy with her when you exist.

This led to Kihyun smiling like he never smiled before, but also feeling incredibly stupid. So they both played around so long for nothing? How simple it could've been!

-Dumbass! See what you made me go through today??

Kihyun's tiny fists collided cutely with Hoseok's muscled chest. It made the latter smile because his dongsaeng didn't look one tiny bit intimidating. Especially not with that tiny pout on his mouth.

-I couldn't know you were hopelessly in love with me!

-What makes you say that?

Hoseok just smiled.

-The way your eyes shine when they look at me.

The youngest groaned in embarrassment and put his head on his now boyfriend's chest. That made the latter smile even more and kiss the top of his head.

-Well, guess I can't kiss you if you're hiding.

-Okay no I'm there, hi!

Kihyun never lifted his head up faster and Hoseok had never been more fond.


End file.
